13
Because Auggie was a coward, he waited almost a week after that call, until the night before his flight home to spend spring break in Orange County. It was like putting his back to a wall, now or never, and that was how he found himself standing on Theo’s porch, the blue bleeding out of the sky, the air smelling like rain and oil on pavement and the wet wood of the handrail. Lights shone in the windows, and Auggie thought he could hear the TV, although his heart pounding in his chest made it hard to tell. He raised his hand and stood there, unable to go any further.
The sound of a door opening—the neighbor’s house, a woman shouting, “Do your business, Roger!”—made him let out a loose, slobbery kind of laugh, and then he wiped the back of his mouth and knocked.
Footsteps moved inside, and the door opened. Theo stood there in mesh shorts and his old Blues sweatshirt. His hair looked like he hadn’t washed it recently, and he had dark circles under his eyes. It didn’t matter; he was Theo, and more importantly, he was still Theo—the way he looked at Auggie, the way he held the door with one hand, the way he planted his feet. Even the fear in his eyes was Theo, although it had taken Auggie a long time to understand how deeply that fear was rooted in him.
“Hi,” Auggie said. “I know it’s weird showing up like this—”
At the same time, Theo said, “Hi, Auggie, it’s good to see you—”
They both stopped. Auggie looked away. Then he made himself look back, mostly because he knew Fer would take his balls off if he didn’t give a satisfactory report when he got home.
A tiny smile lurked behind Theo’s beard—gentle, because Theo was, above almost everything else, gentle. “Do you want to go first?”
“I think I want to die, actually. Then can we start over?”
The smile got a little bigger. “It’s really good to see you. Do you want to come in?”
Auggie nodded, and Theo stepped back. He followed Theo inside, shut the door, wiped his feet, and then hesitated when he automatically went to heel off the Jordans. He looked up at Theo.
“However you’re comfortable.”
For some reason, it felt like more of a risk to do this, but Auggie made himself heel off the high-tops. Theo was still standing by the couch.
“Do you want to—” Auggie began. “I mean, is it easier standing up?”
Theo stared at him, blank faced for a moment. Then he grinned again. “Do you remember when you wouldn’t stop talking about the water?”
Auggie laughed; it seemed a long time ago. “I said, I don’t know, two things. And you were the one who made me drink it.”
Theo didn’t laugh, but he was still smiling. “I’d like to sit down, if that’s all right with you. I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but I am an unmitigated chickenshit these days. And I didn’t want to make things awkward for you. But honestly, it was more the chickenshit thing.”
“You’re not a chickenshit,” Auggie said as they sat. He pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He looked at Theo. He tried not to cry at how good it felt to see Theo push his hair behind his ears, the familiar tracery of hand and arm and shoulder, bone and muscle and sinew. “Can I still apologize for going to see Chief Pitts without you? Or is it too late? Even if it’s too late, I’m going to apologize anyway. I’m so sorry, Theo. I knew it was wrong, and I did it anyway. I’d like it, I’d really like it, if you could forgive me.”
The smile faded, and Theo said, “Auggie, I was the one who acted—well, poorly is putting it lightly.”
Auggie nodded. “But I’d still like you to forgive me. If you can.”
“Of course I forgive you. I understand why you did what you did; I wish you’d talked to me about it, but I think I know why you didn’t. I think I knew even when—even when I was reacting.” Theo took a breath. “I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I’m ashamed of how I acted, especially shoving you like that. I am sorry, Auggie. I don’t know if you can forgive me; I think that’s more than I can hope for.”
“Sometimes,” Auggie said, and his grin felt lopsided, “you think too much. Of course I forgive you. I love you.”
Theo didn’t actually blush all that much, but it was wonderful when he did: the pink filling his face, his nose, even the tips of his ears. He closed his eyes and said, “I love you too.” He flattened his hands on his knees and opened his eyes again. “I’m not sure what you want, Auggie, but I’d like to tell you a few things before you say anything else. Would that be all right?”
“Always the teacher. Yeah, Theo. I think I can handle that.”
“The first is that I’m sorry, again. I can’t believe how I acted. I’m especially horrified that I—that I touched you like that, and that it all happened when you were hurting and when you’d come to me because you trusted me and you needed my help.” He opened and closed his hands around his knees. “The second is that I’m seeing a therapist. The same one I saw, actually, after I came out. When things were really hard with my family. I’ve got a lot of work to do, but one of the things I’m figuring out is that a lot of the way I react when I get scared, particularly when I get scared that something will happen to you, is because of—” He stopped, his throat worked soundlessly for a moment, and he offered a tight, helpless smile. Auggie waited because Theo had to do this part himself. “Because of what happened with Lana,” Theo finally said. “And Ian. And, if I’m being fully honest, with Cart.”
Auggie nodded.
“I don’t know if that makes a difference to you.” Theo shifted to face Auggie. “I don’t know if that will make you change your mind. But I had to tell you because I want you to know that you are the most important person in my life and I love you more than anyone else in the world.” The curve of a smile softened his face. “And Lana, of course. Last year, you asked me about Cart, if I was in love with him. I told you I was broken, that I didn’t think I could love anyone again. That was kind of the truth. After Ian and Lana—” He scrubbed the heels of his hands on his knees and gave that same helpless smile again. “But it was mostly a lie because even then I was in love with you, and it scared me because being in love with you meant having something I could lose again, and I didn’t think I could live through losing you.”
Auggie nodded again. He let the silence carry Theo’s words away. “When I told Fer about you, I told him I didn’t know what to do because it hurt so much, and he said, ‘Have you tried talking to him, shit-for-brains?’”
Theo gave a small, soft laugh. “That sounds like Fer.”
“I had to clean it up a little. There was a sentence in there about how I probably hadn’t thought of it myself because my brain was oxygen deprived from, quote, ‘swinging on too many cocks.’ Which, um, by the way, I haven’t. You know. With anybody else.”
“Probably obvious from—” Theo plucked at the Blues sweatshirt. “But neither have I. I wasn’t sure where we stood. I kept hoping, but I was too afraid to ask.”
“Theo, I love you. I told Fer I wasn’t sure I even knew what love was, and he said something about how he’d always thought ‘getting your brains fucked out’ was just an expression, but apparently I was a walking example of it because obviously I loved you. And the more we talked about it, the more I realized he was right. You’re the first person I think about in the morning. You’re the last person I think about at night. During the day, I think about what we’re going to do together, when I’m going to see you next, dumb things I want to tell you, jokes I know that you’ll get even if nobody else does. Oh, and the jokes I know you won’t get, but I tell you anyway because it’s so much fun to see your face.” Theo made a wry face, and Auggie laughed, then wiped his eyes as tears threatened to overwhelm him. His voice was thick when he said, “Yeah, that one.” He tried to slow his heart. “I don’t want to live my life without you. And more than anything, I want you to be happy. But I’m not going to be someone you can lock in a box to keep safe. There are no guarantees, Theo. And I won’t live my life being treated like—like that because you love me but you’re afraid, and your fear keeps winning out.”
Theo nodded. “You’re right: you shouldn’t be treated like that. But Auggie, I’m never going to stop worrying about you—”
“I know. I know that. I love that you’re protective. It’s one of the things, um, that, you know, I really like about you. It’s part of who you are, I mean, I knew that—everything with Luke, and the way you are with Lana—and I wouldn’t change that about you. But I love it when you’re kind too. When you’re respectful. You’re so solid, Theo. Grounded. I need that in my life. I don’t think you have any idea how much I need that.”
Outside, a jay squawked. The day had settled into dusk. The TV was still on, Auggie realized now, the volume turned low. A bearded man was shilling a microfiber towel.
“I was going to say,” Theo said with a small smile, “that I’ll never stop worrying about you. But I’m going to work on managing my reactions. I understand that we’ve had some unusual situations over the last few years, and I think that once we’re done with this—this intense kind of danger, I think it will be much easier for me to handle the ordinary, day-to-day worries.”
Auggie considered him for a long minute.
Scratching his beard, Theo turned away first. His eyes swung back after a moment, and in a low voice, he asked, “I’m having a hard time reading this situation. Are you breaking up with me?”
“I don’t know.”
Theo nodded. Then he rubbed his eyes and nodded again. “One of the things I’ve wanted to talk to you about is that I think you might be making a mistake by choosing someone like me, someone who is substantially older and who has fewer options in life—what are you doing?”
Auggie stood. He unbuttoned his polo and pulled it over his head.
“Auggie, we’ve got rules about being naked in the house.”
Auggie unbuttoned his chinos. He slid them down past his hips.
“Hey, hold on.” Theo caught his wrist. “If we don’t talk this stuff through, then sex is just a way to postpone a difficult conversation. Trust me, I’d love to—”
“Stop talking,” Auggie said.
Theo blinked, but he shut his mouth.
“Let go of me,” Auggie said.
After a moment, Theo released him.
Auggie hopped out of the chinos. Then he dropped his trunks and stepped out of them one leg at a time. He was painfully aware that the house was cool, that it was having its usual effect, that standing there, naked, the difference in their size and build was magnified. But he knew, too, that he had changed since the first day he had met Theo. He had added on muscle, gained tone and definition—instead of the slim-hipped, flat-bodied boy, he had pecs and abs and shoulders and biceps and quads and even calves, although he hated working his calves. A wild little laugh coiled inside him. He even had four chest hairs. His skin tightened as he moved to stand between Theo’s legs. He reached down, took Theo’s hand, and brought it up to his belly. Theo had his head down, and the mesh shorts didn’t hide his semi.
“I’m serious, Auggie,” Theo said huskily. “I’ve missed you too, but I want to finish this conversation—”
“This is part of our conversation. Look at me.”
It took almost a full minute before Theo brought his head up. Blue eyes—eyes like watercolors—took Auggie in, flowing across him.
“Am I a child?” Auggie asked.
Theo croaked a little laugh. “What?”
“Answer the question. Am I a child?”
“No, obviously you’re not a child. I don’t think you’re a—”
“Look me in the eye and tell me.” To Auggie’s own surprise, he was getting hard as he spoke, and his dick brushed Theo’s arm. The contact made Auggie shiver. “Am I a child?”
It took longer this time. When Theo finally met Auggie’s gaze, he looked like he was on the brink of tears, and he shook his head.
“Am I your student? Am I incapable of making my own decisions? Am I being unduly influenced by your age and authority?”
The first tear rolled down Theo’s cheek, but he made another of those weird laughing noises as he flattened his palm on Auggie’s abs. Then he ran his hand in circle. The touch was both intimate and unsexual. “I think the fact that you’re bossing me around so well answers the question, but to be safe, I’ll tell you anyway: no, none of those things describes you or our relationship.”
“I make my own decisions, Theo. About me. About who I date. About my body. Two years ago, this might have been a different conversation, but it’s not two years ago. Do you understand that?”
Theo waited long enough that Auggie realized he was seriously considering the question. “I do. I think I do. There are times that I have to remind myself, but yes, Auggie. I’ve made a serious effort to be in a relationship with the person you are now, not who you were when we met.”
“But not when it comes to sex.”
Theo’s head moved back, and he frowned.
“We’ve been together almost a year, Theo. And we’ve known each other a lot longer than that. But every time I want to move forward with our physical relationship, you tell me you’re not ready. At first, I believed that, and that’s ok. I wasn’t ready either. But I don’t think that’s the truth anymore. Is it?”
Theo’s fingers flexed against Auggie’s belly. He ran his hand down lower until the heel of his hand brushed Auggie’s bush. Then he said, “No.”
Auggie waited.
“It was the truth. At the beginning, at least. I didn’t want to rush anything physical with you. But no, it’s because I’m afraid.” He offered a twisted smile. “Of hurting you.”
“If you fuck me.”
“Auggie, you had a traumatic experience. You tense up every time I go near you there. A couple of times, you’ve had full-blown panic attacks. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I want to be cautious.”
“But it’s the same thing, Theo. It’s you making a decision for me because you’re scared. Not because we talked about it. Not because I asked you to make the decision, or I need you to make it. Because you’re afraid I’ll get hurt, and you don’t trust me enough to let me make that decision myself.”
“That’s not why—” But Theo stopped himself. After a moment, he gave a grudging nod. He took a few deep breaths. “So, that’s it? Either I fuck you, or you break up with me?”
Auggie smirked, and after a moment, Theo rolled his eyes.
“No, dumbass,” Auggie whispered, touching Theo’s cheek. “Obviously I don’t want you to hurt me either. I think about—” He might have been about to say Dylan, but what he said was, “Trace, all that stuff he said, guys who like struggle fucks, who like getting overpowered and hurt, and the other ones, the ones who like the hurting, and—” He took a breath. “—and whatever. That’s fine; that’s them. But that’s not us, Theo. And I’d really like to see what we can do together because I think we’re going to be fucking amazing.” He found Theo’s hand and took it. “Can we go upstairs?”
“We’re not done talking, are we?”
Auggie tugged on his hand, and Theo stood. Auggie led the way, towing Theo behind him, and they climbed the stairs. When they reached the bedroom, Auggie pulled back the covers and lay on the mattress. He spread his legs, arms behind his head.
“Show off,” Theo grumbled as he turned himself out of the sweatshirt. The shorts went next, then the boxers. He was almost fully hard now, his dick bouncing with each movement. He balanced himself with one hand on the wall as he stripped off his socks, and then he climbed onto the bed.
He crawled to kneel between Auggie’s legs. Then he put his hands on Auggie’s knees, rubbing circles with his thumbs. Auggie felt hard as a rock now, his dick wet where it brushed his belly, and as Theo continued to move his thumbs, Auggie shivered. Then he arched his back and made an impatient noise.
“Don’t get greedy,” Theo said, and the smile that followed was dark and hot. He spread Auggie’s legs farther, ran his hands down Auggie’s thighs, and curled his fingers. He repeated the trick with the circles, only now his thumbs were high on Auggie’s thighs, distressing the sensitive skin there, only an inch or so away from Auggie’s hole. It was like tiny shocks, the slow, insistent friction making Auggie arch his back again and let out a different kind of sound this time. When one of Theo’s hands stopped, Auggie was about to complain. Then the fingers tightened around Auggie’s nipple, which he could now feel was hard, and twisted. He lowered his head, his beard rasping against the inside of Auggie’s thigh.
“Oh shit, Theo,” Auggie groaned. His dick was leaking faster now, slick against his belly. “Oh shit. Oh, I missed you so much.”
“I missed you too,” Theo whispered before taking Auggie in his mouth.
Theo was so, so good with his mouth, and after a few minutes, Auggie whimpered and pulled on his hair. Theo pulled off, sucking his lower lip into his mouth and watching Auggie from under hooded eyes.
“I’m going to come if you keep that up,” Auggie said scratchily.
Theo gave a lazy, predatory shrug.
“Don’t you dare,” Auggie said, but it didn’t have much force in it.
Theo gave him that smile again, the bone-meltingly dark one. He stretched over Auggie, fumbled in a drawer, and came back with a bottle of lube. Auggie heard the click of the cap. Then Theo messed around for a while: sucking on Auggie’s nipples, kissing him, licking his abs, making Auggie squeal with the scruffy heat of his beard on Auggie’s thigh, on Auggie’s nipples, on the head of Auggie’s cock, then coming back for more kisses.
At some point, Theo’s fingers, slick but warm, slid between Auggie’s legs. Theo didn’t press or try to force his way in; he slid his fingers back and forth over Auggie’s hole, and at the same time, he took Auggie in his mouth again. Auggie’s heart beat faster. He thought he heard white noise hissing in his ears. He counted his breaths and stared at the ceiling. When he was totally soft in Theo’s mouth, Theo sat up and pulled his fingers away.
“Hey,” Theo said softly.
Auggie put an arm over his eyes. He lay like that for a moment. Then he put his arm down and said, “It actually feels good.”
“Ok.”
“I know you don’t believe me because, um, I totally lost my boner.”
“I believe you. If you say it felt good, I’m glad. I wanted it to feel good.”
“Why can’t I just be a normal fucking person? Why can’t just one thing in my life be normal and easy and—and the way it’s supposed to be?”
Theo scooted up the bed and kissed him. With his clean hand, he stroked back the short bristles of Auggie’s crew cut. “First of all, news flash, nobody is normal.”
“Oh my God, you’re being my actual sex professor again.”
“Second of all—I’m going to ignore that, by the way—second of all, everybody is wired differently. Sex is about figuring out what works for you and what works for your partner. We’re doing that, right? We’re figuring it out. And I think we were having a good time until you got in your head.” Theo gave a mock frown. “Were you having a good time?”
Auggie slapped his chest. He lay there, letting Theo play with his hair and kiss him until his heartbeat had slowed. Then, propping himself up on one elbow, he said, “Theo, I want you to fuck me.”
Theo’s hand slowed in Auggie’s hair.
“I’m probably not going to get hard. I might even, you know, freak out a little bit. But I just want to do it. I want you to trust me to tell you to stop if I need you to stop. I just—I just want to get it over with.” Theo’s eyes tightened, and Auggie added in a rush, “The first time, I mean. Not, you know, sex with you.”
“Good Lord.”
“Theo.”
Theo’s chest rose and fell. In a cautious voice, he said, “If you tell me that’s what you really want, I’ll do it. Or I’ll try to, anyway. Uh, this might be too much information, but if you really freak out, I might have, you know, an equipment malfunction. Or we could try it with some toys, if you think that would make you more comfortable. But could I ask you a question first? One question.”
Auggie crooked an eyebrow and made a face.
With a soft laugh, Theo combed fingers through his hair again and said, “Why do you think you have to bottom?”
A joist creaked as the house settled. Outside, an owl hooted. The silence gathered momentum.
“Well—” Auggie stopped. “I mean, you’re older, and you’re bigger, and you’re so butch—stop laughing!” He slapped Theo’s chest again, and Theo was smiling behind his beard as he rubbed at the sting. “What? You’re telling me you like to bottom?”
“Sure,” Theo said, the muscled slab of his shoulder rising and falling. “I like topping too. They’re different, but they can both be good with the right partner.”
“Did you bottom with Cart and Ian? Oh my God, you don’t have to answer that.”
Theo rolled his eyes—dramatically—and combed Auggie’s hair again. “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes. With both of them.”
Auggie felt like he was holding his breath.
“Oh jeez,” Theo said. “Not exclusively, since you’re dying to ask me.”
“I wasn’t dying to ask you!” The look on Theo’s face made Auggie smile and tuck his face into Theo’s chest as he murmured, “But, I mean, it’s good to know…”
They lay like that for a moment. Theo smelled like sex and sweat and the slight sweetness of the lube. Then Theo asked, “So?”
“I don’t know.” Auggie raised his head. “I mean, with Dylan, it was never even a question.”
“Let’s leave Dylan out of this.”
“Ok.” Auggie ran his fingertips across Theo’s ribs, the blond hair fluffing up in their wake. “I guess, I don’t know, I just kind of assumed I’d bottom. Because I’m so small, you know.”
“You’re not that small,” Theo said. Then he smirked and tweaked Auggie’s dick, and Auggie was surprised to find himself hardening again. “In fact, I’d say you’re about perfect.”
“I guess.” Auggie surprised himself with the words. “I mean, if you don’t mind—I don’t know, maybe it could be kind of hot.”
“It would be very hot.”
“Maybe.”
“I’d like to try it,” Theo said. “But if you don’t want to, that’s ok too. I’m going to love however we spend time together. If you want, we can cuddle and watch TV instead. I want to spend time with you.”
For several moments, Auggie had nothing to say. He was breathing faster. His balls ached; it had been a long time since he’d gotten off, and even longer since he’d gotten off with Theo. When he spoke, his voice was a little too high to sound normal. “I mean, if you want to…”
“I do.” Theo nudged him and then lay in the center of the bed. He reached down to slick himself up, and with his free hand, he beckoned Auggie closer. He tapped his lips, and Auggie bent and kissed him. When Auggie pulled back, he could hear the slight whistle of his inhalations. Theo palmed the nape of his neck and drew him down again, whispering, “Slow breaths. Deep breaths.” He kissed Auggie again, and Auggie had a hard time remembering what slow, deep breaths felt like. Theo had gotten a condom from somewhere, and now he rolled it onto Auggie. Then Auggie felt a hand on his dick, the lube making the touch glide, and in its wake, a tingling coolness.
Theo made another pass, and Auggie caught his wrist and shook his head.
“Ok,” Theo said quietly. “That’s ok. Come around here.”
He guided Auggie between his legs. Then, hooking his hands behind his knees, he pulled his legs up and back. Auggie stared.
“I, uh, kind of let things go after our fight. Sorry.”
Auggie shook his head again. “You’re so hot.”
Theo smiled at him. “You’re hot.”
“No, Theo. I mean, you’re beautiful. God, I love you.”
The smile was like the watercolor eyes—a suggestion, an imprecision, so delicate. “I love you too.”
Auggie scooted forward. Then he stopped. “Do I—I mean, should I—”
“Just press in.”
Lining up, Auggie took another breath. He felt like he was drowning. Then he rocked his hips forward. The tight, textured heat wasn’t like anything he had felt before, and he thrust in for more.
“Stop, stop, stop!” Theo’s face tightened, his eyes snapping shut.
Auggie froze. “Oh my God, Theo! I’m sorry. Oh Christ, I’m so sorry. Should I pull out? Should I—”
“Don’t move.” Theo blew out a harsh breath. Then another. He squirmed a little. “Please don’t move for a minute.” His chest and throat were flushed, and his dick was soft.
Auggie was still achingly hard. He fought to stay motionless while Theo’s face contorted. To distract himself as much as Theo, he rubbed Theo’s legs, kissed his knees, and whispered how sorry he was.
“It’s ok,” Theo finally said, his face relaxing. “I should have said go slowly. It’s been a long time.” His eyes opened, and he smiled. “It’s ok.”
“I hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I’m fine, Auggie. Slowly, though. Please.”
Auggie adjusted position and began to slide in again.
“Stop,” Theo said. Auggie waited until Theo nodded, and this time, he seated himself fully inside Theo. The urge to fuck, to feel that dark grip tighten around him, was overwhelming. After a few more moments, Auggie pulled out to the tip and slid in again. He repeated the movement.
When he bottomed out, Theo opened his eyes, and he looked drowsy, almost drugged. “You like that? You like fucking me?”
“God, yes,” Auggie said. He rolled his hips again. “Fuck yes. Fucking yes, Theo.”
“You want to fuck my ass?”
“I am fucking your ass. I’m fucking you right now.”
“Yeah, you are,” Theo said in that same husky, sex-dream voice. “Fuck me. Fuck my fucking brains out.”
In answer, Auggie pulled out and slammed back in, and Theo arched his back and made a noise Auggie had never heard from him before. It was a moan, and it was lewd and needy, scraped out from somewhere deep inside Theo. Auggie thrust again, and Theo made the same noise. His dick was filling out, lengthening against his belly.
“Grab my ankles,” Theo said scratchily. “Fuck yes. Fuck yeah, Auggie, just like that.”
Auggie held Theo’s legs up and apart by the ankles, and the new position put him above Theo, staring down at him, controlling his body as he thrust inside him, moving him whenever he wanted a different angle or a harder fuck. It made Auggie feel drunk, pulling and pushing on Theo like that, his dick dipping in and out more easily now, Theo continuing to spill those uninhibited noises. After the first few minutes, Auggie found a rough rhythm, and he settled into it. He could already feel himself starting to come apart. The intensity of this first time, the mixture of new sensation and new power, made his skin catch fire. He half expected to see his breath steam as he built up speed.
Then Theo’s eyes shot open, and he held Auggie’s gaze. “Yeah,” he growled. “Fuck me. Fuck me, Auggie. Don’t you dare fucking come, not yet. Give me that fucking cock.”
Auggie made a helpless noise, his hips jerking, his rhythm faltering.
“Give me that cock, give me that cock, give me your fucking dick!”
“Oh fuck, Theo!”
“You’re fucking me so good, baby. You’re fucking me so fucking good.” Theo arched his back. His chest was dappled with a flush. He panted, and then he got up on his elbows and met Auggie’s eyes. His voice was rasping, insistent. “You’re so good, Auggie. You’re fucking me so good. You’re so good for me.”
It was like someone lighting a trail of gunpowder, the spark running up Auggie’s vertebrae, his movements faster and reckless and no longer his to control. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!”
“Yeah, come for me. Fill me up. Good. Yes, fuck, God, Auggie. You’re so good.”
Auggie’s body stuttered through the orgasm. The universe jerked like stop-motion animation: his hips meeting Theo’s ass, his dick buried to the root, the tightness of Theo’s hole increasing the pressure of each shot. Auggie arched his back, trying to get deeper, spreading Theo’s legs wide and hauling his ass an inch off the mattress.
And then it was over, and Auggie sagged forward. He released Theo’s ankles, and then he lay on Theo’s chest, still seated inside him. He felt Theo’s hand slide between them, and then a moment later, Theo shot his load, groaning, his face pressed against Auggie’s neck as he came between them. Theo’s body went loose and relaxed a moment later. And then, with a kind of listless pleasure, his hand rested on Auggie’s back and moved slowly up and down his spine.
Auggie squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn’t help; he started to cry. Small noises in his chest, tears trickling down to follow his nose. Then more. Sobs wracked his body, and he shook as Theo wrapped his arms around Auggie and pulled him closer. Auggie was barely aware of sliding out of Theo, of the slight tightness in Theo’s body that suggested discomfort. Theo made shushing noises as he held Auggie. And then, after a while, the crying stopped, and Auggie hung in Theo’s arms, feeling washed out.
Theo’s thumb ran through the short hair above Auggie’s ear. Quietly, he said, “That was a lot, huh?”
Auggie nodded against Theo’s chest.
“Are you ok?” Theo asked.
With a bubbling laugh, Auggie raised his head and wiped his nose. “Am I ok? I’m the one who cornholed you.”
“I’m fine,” Theo laughed. “You can prep me next time; I like that. And you’ll go slower. I’m worried about you. Are you ok?”
Nodding, Auggie closed his eyes and lowered his head again. He didn’t think he’d say anything, but then he heard himself speaking. “I don’t know why I cried. Honest to God, Theo, I don’t.”
“That’s ok.”
“It’s not ok. It’s weird. I’m so weird. That was so great, and I wanted it to be good for you, and then I started crying, and I feel like I’m going to cry now—” He cut off and focused on controlling his breathing.
“It’s ok,” Theo said, his breath tickling Auggie’s ear. He traced Auggie’s spine with lazy fingers. “Sometimes people cry after sex. It just happens—lots of hormones running through your body, lots of strong emotions. Sometimes it doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes it does.” Auggie could hear the smile in Theo’s voice when he added, “And it was definitely great for me, so don’t worry about that.”
The furnace kicked on. The first draft of air was cool, and Auggie shivered. Auggie stripped off the condom, and Theo dragged the covers up over them, ignoring Auggie’s protests about how sticky they were, and they shifted around until Auggie lay in the circle of Theo’s arms. For a while, he listened to Theo’s breathing, smelled their sex in the air and the hint of the detergent on the sheets, and let Theo trace circles on his arm.
Then Theo kissed his neck. “Well?”
“I mean, we could do it again. If you wanted to.”
“I want to. Do you want to?”
Auggie nodded a little too quickly, and Theo laughed. He stopped laughing when Auggie elbowed him.
“Theo?”
Theo made a small, contented noise.
“Thank you.”
Theo kissed his neck again, and a moment later, Auggie was asleep.
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